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DOLEMITE

•             RELEASE DATE: Available Now on Blu-ray/DVD combo pack
•             WRITTEN BY: Jerry Jones, Rudy Ray Moore
•             DIRECTED BY: D’Urville Martin
•             STARRING: Rudy Ray Moore, D’Urville Martin, Jerry Jones, Lady Reed

DOLEMITE is a flick stacked to the rafters with “shouldn’t”s. A man of Rudy Ray Moore’s build shouldn’t be able to pull down the insane amounts of trim he does. A man that knows so very precious little about martial arts (R.R. Moore again) shouldn’t be attempting those high kicking moves. These people that are about as far away from being actual actors (with a few exceptions) as my house is from Venus shouldn’t be reading reams of dialogue. Actually, this whole production shouldn’t be entertaining or even watchable, but holy hell is it ever!!

The long and short of the tale is this: (maybe) pimp and club owner Dolemite (Moore) is framed by rival Willie Greene (Martin) and sent away for 20 years. Well, it doesn’t take long for folks to realize the streets are rather fart without Dolemite controlling things, so the warden and Dolemite’s right hand lady Queen Bee (Reed) get him sprung to deal with the s—t-storm ol’ Greene has started. And deal with it he does, as he murders people in broad daylight, f—ks nearly non-stop, displays a fashion sense so offensive blind people would be able to see it, and briefly enlists his squad of all-female karate experts. He also finds time to do a comedy routine or two.

DOLEMITE is exactly the type of thing you think about whenever the term blaxploitation is mentioned, except every single element is ramped up so far beyond what would be considered reasonable that it becomes its own surreal creation devoid from the laws of filmmaking. And while bits and pieces have become part of the pop-culture lexicon (referenced as it were in hip hop albums and parodied in BLACK DYNAMITE and MadTV), believe you me, you haven’t been worked over by a film as completely as DOLEMITE will sucker punch yer pleasure dome.

While the flick itself is simply transcendent, those sexy rascals at Vinegar Syndrome have really come through with the extras on this baby as well. First you get a sharp 2k restoration of the film straight from the 35mm negative, so every one of those clashing, garishly colored outfits leaps right out of your damn TV. Also present is the notorious full-frame version of the flick that was cropped so horribly that boom mics appear as much as Rudy Ray does (not that the ol’ boomer doesn’t pop-up when the film is presented in its intended ratio). Also included are interviews with Moore and Reed, a brief examination of the film’s locations as they appear today, trailers for both original DOLEMITE films, and a historical commentary track by Rudy Ray Moore‘s biographer, Mark Jason Murray.

Rude, raucous, and ridiculous, DOLEMITE belongs in the collection of every lover of 42nd Street sin-ematic glory. Trust me, it will be the gold-star standard in ludicrousness that you judge every other schlock film against… well, until you slap your eyes on the sequel, anyway…

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DANGEROUS MEN

•             RELEASE DATE: Available Now on Blu-ray and DVD combo pack
•             WRITTEN BY: John Rad
•             DIRECTED BY: John Rad
•             STARRING: Melody Wiggins, Kelay Miller, Bryan Jenkins, Coti Cook, John Clure

Let me tell you a bit about how DANGEROUS MEN begins so that you can get a real taste of how this thing plays out: A man shows up at a house looking for all the world like he is about to sexually assault a scantily clad woman on a bed (who he then gives some jewelry to), a couple dine in a restaurant (and as their dialogue cuts in and out there is more hiss on the soundtrack than if the room was filled floor to ceiling with cobras), a convenience store is robbed, the couple from the restaurant asks the woman’s father for permission to get married, the couple is then waylaid on the beach by bikers… this is all within 10 minutes.

What does it all mean? Who the hell knows… and “who the hell knows” is a phrase that will describe why things happen in this movie for the remaining 70 minutes. Seem insane? Hell, I didn’t even mention the soundtrack that goes from porn score to soundtrack from an Italian EXORCIST rip off to background music from an 80s beat ‘em up video game (and sound effects later in the film that I’m sure were taken from one) to some sort of indistinct warbling in the blink of an eye.

Anyway, the main plot concerns that engaged couple above, because after her fiancé is killed by one of those bikers, Mina decides to enact bloody revenge on all dangerous men of the world… or at least all of them in L.A. (which happens around 15 minutes in as the porn music makes its thunderous return). This goes on for a bit before a renegade cop (who randomly has sex with his wife because phone call) begins hunting her down. There’s also a criminal overlord named Black Pepper thrown into the mix because sure why not (and whose plot takes center stage for the final half of the film). Also a “kind of British… sometimes” dude wanders around nude for waaaay too long. There’s also sad hooker action… as you like it! Oh, and there is some sort of half-assed love ballad montage flashback… I think I may be going insane… let me check… nope, this movie really is that f’n random.

Seriously, the film itself is so beyond worth the price of admission that bonus features weren’t even needed anyway (and honestly you’ll be so hypnotized by what DANGEROUS MEN  has to offer… whatever the hell that actually is, you probably won’t even notice they are there for like a month after you watch it), but they are included. There’s a lively commentary by Destroy All Movies authors Zack Carlson and Bryan Connolly, a doc about die-rector John Rad and the film’s 2005 theatrical release, an interview with the flicks die-rector of photography Peter Palian, a rando (and completely f’n obnoxious) public access show featuring Rad, and a handful of  trailers.

DANGEROUS MEN is completely insane, and I loved the ever-lovin’ brown eyed s—t out of it. If you have experienced and loved such sin-ematic wonders as MALIBU CONNECTION or SAMURAI COP, brother, this is the flick for you! P.S. I hope you like belly dancing… and punching… mostly punching… and maybe knives clenched between buttocks… oh, and knee fetishism… yeah…

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